Content in my "Nothingness"

I have been living under a self-imposed misapprehension for most of my adult life.

Hi. My name is Jennifer. And I believed the lie that I have to “Be Somebody” or “Do Something” in order to live a purposeful and productive life. I am now removing myself from underneath this rock that I have inadvertently placed upon myself. It’s taking some time, but I am worth it.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, they have their Twelve Steps; admitting they have a problem, submitting to a Higher Power, making amends or apologies. I guess, this could be one of my steps in telling myself that I need not apologize for who I am and who I am not. I am me and that is quite beyond good enough.

I don’t know when it began or why, as that seems to be the way with most things in life, but I have always strived towards some unknown or undiscovered goal to “Be Somebody” in this world. We always hear these statements about “making your mark” and “leaving a legacy” and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with these ideals intrinsically, they are all wonderfully exemplary, I may have taken them to a level beyond. Conversely I thought, if I did not leave my indelible mark upon this earth for people or if I have not left some massive legacy behind for my children, family, friends and anyone else than I would have been a waste of space, breathe, time and resources upon this planet. A burden. With every day that passed that I was not the best at something, anything, then I was a complete and utter failure. At absolutely everything.

I would see a person that I may have labeled “smart” reading a certain book and so I would make a mental note to read it, too. Even now, I see people doing wonderful things and being fabulously creative and for the most part, I admire it, but in all honesty, I try very hard to not become slightly jealous, not necessarily of the person, but of what they could do and are doing.

I take things too personally. It seems as though everyone around me has these wonderful talents and abilities and uses their time to hone their skills and practice or create these wonderful things and these amazing lives they seem to be living and even in light of being happy for and proud of them, I think, “What the heck is wrong with ME that I can’t do SOMETHING? ANYTHING?”

Well, I have come to a conclusion. Are you ready for this complete and utter shocker of an epiphany? This revelation? There is nothing wrong with me. I am not a waste of time or space. I am simply and wholly and completely JUST ME. No apologies. I strive to do my best and to be the best me I can be, but that is really the only thing I can do in life. The only thing any of us can do.

I love to cook, but I will probably never be a chef or The Next Food Network Star.
I love to read and write and will continue to do so. Will I ever be able to sit down and complete a novel worthy of popular publication? I do hope so.
I love my kids and my family. Will I ever get a TLC show out of it? In light of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 media storm, good God, I hope not!
I am particularly fabulous at any one thing in particular? Not that I can think of, but that is okay. I am okay.

This is not a manifesto or apology for mediocrity or laziness in the least and I hope it is not coming across as such, and even if it does, then perhaps, I am not as clear a writer as I had hoped to be at the moment, but I am still working on it. And that is entirely the point. All I can ever do is be me and enjoy my journey. I am tired of all of my own hang ups and taking upon myself the things that I think that others think I should or could be doing and/or not doing. This is all I have. This moment. And I am going to be me in it with everything I can and that is good enough.

My “nothing” seems to be a whole lot of somethings. I am living. If this is being “nothing” and doing “nothing,” then so be it. I seem to be busy enough with my “nothingness” and I am content. And this is more than good enough for me.