...or Things I Have Learned So Far.
I've read a good many books on pregnancy and parenting and raising toddlers and controlling your temper and on and on and on. You want a list, I can get it to you, but you may not need it. Through all this reading and research on how to be the best Mommy I can be, I have really only learned one thing. The books can't tell you everything. Don't get me wrong, there are the helpful ones that make good practical points and have hard and fast tips that one can implement in daily life, but for the most part in parenting, I have found it's sink or swim; you gotta think on your feet! I have learned this "in the trenches" and I know this is only the beginning. It isn't the most fun way to learn a lesson, it's by far one of the most effective.
The things I have learned that were never in any book:
In all the pregnancy literature, one is led to believe that most people have contractions, go into labor, water breaks, there is pushing and the baby arrives. Another scenario? Water breaks, contractions, pushing, baby arrives. Or there are planned and emergency C-sections. There are only so many pathways a baby can take to come into this world... Me? My water broke and nothing happened. Both times. I waited and waited. I was in the hospital sitting pretty with my first child over 36 hours. It wasn't until right before the birth that I had much sign of active contractions. When my water broke with my second child and nothing happened, it was then I started to hyperventilate. Who wants to sit around and wait for nothing to happen? The books never told me about that. That perhaps my water would break and I would have to be pumped full of pitocin for two days until my child wanted to make an appearance wasn't on the list of "What Happens". The upside was that I wasn't one of those screaming women in pain for two days. I guess I can't complain, but the point is, there wasn't a section on "What Happens When Nothing Happens".
The sleep issue- Oh yes, the books will tell you how the average baby wakes up for feedings every 2-4 hours or so and that by a certain week, the baby should be sleeping through the night. Yeah? But what if she doesn't? Then what? And even when they do start sleeping for 6 hour stretches, it still won't be enough. The books tell you to get rest when you can and congratulations on being a new mommy. The books don't tell you that even if you have the bestest baby and can sleep when the baby is sleeping, the fact is, it's never enough. You will never sleep that way you slept before you became a mother. Even when your kids are in their toddler years because they find new ways to interrupt your rest. Yes, the exhausting newborn period is by far the worst of it, especially when there are other children in the family, but it is short lived. What I have learned is counter intuitive, but it worked for me. The trick for me was to NOT fall asleep when the baby was sleeping. It was far worse for me to have fallen asleep and be jarred awake by the shrill crying of a ravenous baby. It put me in the worst mood and it made me angry. I was angry at this little helpless ball of human for being hungry? Absurd! So, rather than get annoyed at my child for needing me and wanting me to fulfill the most simple and basic of needs, I would stay awake and do something that I found fulfilling; I would read, sip tea or coffee, watch a favorite movie, knit, complete some small task or project that made me feel productive outside of the baby and I learned to just deal with being tired. This probably won't work for most, but it worked for me. I accepted the fact that I would be tired and that if I fell asleep and was awoken by screaming, I would be upset. Weird, but whatever. The books never presented this option.
Poo slinging- My children have slung poo. During naps. My daughter was the worst when it came to this and I cannot count how many times I had to strip her room to the rails and disinfect everything because she got into her diaper/pullups and liked to make a massive disgusting mess with it. She did this over and over and over. I definitely had my breakdown moments and even thought she had some kind of developmental issue or something because I had NEVER heard of this before. I mean, I heard of the odd, curious poo incident that was never repeated again, but this was constant. I had to look up chat groups for mothers online to find out if this was "normal" behavior. Yes, it is, unfortunately, common. My child is just persistent and likes to test boundaries, hence the repetitive episodes. I've learned that onesies underneath backward footsie pajamas will curb the behavior until the phase passes. I have also heard of duct taping the tabs of the diapers, but I just couldn't do that! Hence my children are now dubbed, The Backward Pajama Brigade. I didn't learn this from a book.
Positive training techniques- This and reverse psychology doesn't work on my kids. Well, mostly my daughter, so far anyways.
"Okay. If you clean up, I can let you watch The Wonder Pets before dinner."
"Mommy, that's okay. I don't want to clean up or watch The Wonder Pets."
Great. Now what? The books say to give a positive goal for a task completed. Instead of negative attention and negative consequences, parenting should entail positive rewards for a desirable action. Thus cleaning up=coveted television time, the good paints, extra stories before bed, etc. This hasn't worked so well. Or if there is a negative action such as smacking the little brother and fighting over a toy, Mommy has to put the toy away and time outs are issued. My daughter chooses to give me the toy, saying how she doesn't want it anyways and then hauls off and whacks her little brother anyways. I think she just wants to and nothing will stop her. Sometimes she puts herself in time out. As long as she gets to whack him, the losing the toy and sitting in time out seem just payment for her getting to do that. What I have learned to do is put her in her room and give myself a time out. She doesn't want to stay alone in her room (a fate as bad at bamboo under the fingernails, apparently), nor does she want me off doing something by myself that she is not privy to. Kinda weird, but AHA! I have found SOMETHING to use in training. Sort of. We are still working on this one.
Child proofing- In the books there are lists upon lists of brand name items to buy so in order to preserve your little ones from all the death traps and dangers that any unsuspecting parent seems to have in their home. There are plug stoppers, toilet latches, cupboard latches, rubber tips for sharp furniture edges, drawer latches, baby gates, bathtub faucet covers, lions, tigers, bears, oh my. Very few of these are necessary, if work at all. My children walk over to the outlets and pluck the covers out and pop them in their mouths!! It's safer to not have them in because when they are in, they pose a choking hazard (!!). The baby gates are merely fun obstacles for climbing over. The rubber tips for the sharp corners? They pull those off too. And kids are smart. How often have we heard the story of someone almost peeing in their pants because they can't get the toilet latch to give and their child comes around the corner and in the blink of an eye, the seat is up and you have no idea how they figured out what a grown person couldn't. Yes, these things comes in handy and we do want to keep our children safe, but some of these things are just a drain on the wallet and end up being used not as intended. The books praise these items, I found some of them quite useless. Paying for a toilet latch? Or closing the bathroom door? You gotta do what you gotta do.
Like I said, I am only at the beginning and I am sure every mother has a unique story on what worked or didn't work for them. These are just a few of mine. If only there were a book with all of those things that the other books don't tell you... Hmmmm..
That's all for now.
