Me: At the Spa

If you've been reading, then you know it's been a long summer. So, my lovely husband insisted I take some time out for pampering. (He is hands down the best man ever and I feel sorry for everyone else because my husband is the best.) He made an appointment for me to have a facial and a manicure and a pedicure. That's all afternoon at the spa/salon. Love. Love. Love.

Here's the thing though, and maybe it's just me, but sometimes I kind of don't even want to go to the salon because I know it's going to be a loooooong time until I can get back (and they always make a point to tell me how long it's been) and it's glaringly apparent why I am there in the first place, so why do they have to keep pointing out all the flaws? Our flaws are why we need such places in the first place, right? It's a vicious cycle. They get us there because we get worn out and need pampering and  upkeep so that we can look like somewhat normal humans again (I'm specifically referring to frazzled Mommies, here) and so we can relax, but while we are there, they just keep harping on all the flaws and pushing all their products that we apparently desperately need. But if i had all these awesome products and the fifteen hours a day it takes to look flawless, then why would I need to go and pay THEM? It's crazy.

This is in no way an indictment against salons and I will absolutely continue to go especially if my husband insists, I'm just saying...

The Facial Technician girl (yes, I am calling her "girl" because I am not kidding when I say she looked about seventeen) informed me that everyone, even those with "good skin" still "need" a facial about once a month. Huh. Ok. I've had three in my life. And I think I'm one of the "good skin" people...
She also informed me that my face is dehydrated. Oops. And then comes the question that I totally dread: What products do you use?

That question stops my heart and makes my blood run cold. A panic sets in like none other because if I answer it wrong, then I get a massive lecture on what I should be using and then the Product Placement Portion of the Beauty Visit begins in full force. I find myself wracking my brain for the most expensive and serious looking products that I've ever picked up and subsequently put down in Sephora before I jaunt over to CVS and buy a Neutrogena equivalent for about $4. I don't DARE tell her that most nights I pass out cold with my make-up still on and then wake up the next morning and hit the ground running while just passing a damp cloth over the smudged spots on my face in order to salvage it the best I can just in case I don't get a chance to completely wash and re-do everything before I have to run out the door. I don't think she would quite understand that I don't have the time to do a pore treatment on my nose (which she said was terribly congested- the pores, not the nasal passages, I had to ask...) three, yes, THREE times a day. I ended up mentioning the one fancy brand name moisturizer that I do splurge on and that I use sparingly to make it LAST and she seemed pretty pleased about that. Whew.

Also, one of the reasons I am leery of spa treatments where I am touched a lot is because I am prone to nervous bouts of laughter that have a tendency to become uncontrollable. I start thinking about the absurdity of the whole situation: a random, very serious person is touching my bare skin while I lay in various reposes and states of clothed-ness and it strikes me as amusing and then I giggle and then I am aware of how inappropriate my giggling is and it makes me laugh and then we all know when we try to NOT laugh it makes us laugh more... Anyways, you see. I was able to survive the neck and shoulder massage with only a few, what I am sure came across as odd and creepy, smirks and chuckles.

All in all, it was lovely and relaxing and complete with tinkly New Age music and aromatherapy stuff piping about in the air. Loved it.

Then, came my nails. The hard part was over (making it through a spa treatment without being totally weird!)! But then the nail girl stood by me the ENTIRE TIME I was looking at the nail colors. So, I start babbling. I started talking about "the fall colors" and "finding a polish that goes with skin tone" and while these crazy things are tumbling out of my mouth, I am completely aware that my hair has NOT been brushed, I merely have mascara on and it's smudged now, I'm in the only pair of jeans that fit and not even well and I have to remember not to raise my right arm on this shirt because their is a hole in the armpit and I KEEP FORGETTING to NOT WEAR IT or simply THROW IT OUT. I don't have cable, I couldn't tell you a thing that is going on in the world today, and my major concern is that we get the bathroom in our home completed before next year. And I am babbling on and on about a nail polish color like I know something. Eventually I just stopped and picked one. But seriously. I have a major socializing issue. Namely, that I have lost my mind completely.

So, other than my complete social awkwardness, I had the awesomest afternoon at the spa. Maybe I should keep up with this whole "I'm a wreck" M.O. I've got going so that I get more of the, "you REALLY should go and take care of yourself" treatment," don't you think?